Trying to grab some sleep, after 13 hours sleeping today… well, sometimes this insomniac thing could be such an annoying…

how can we not to get intrigued with other’s success? if life is a competition, how can we stick on our lane?

After seeing an old friend’s facebook pages, she is currently living in Ohio, marry to a handsome and (looks) success man, listed as student at Ohio State University, and working.

Gosh, how I am so envy her. yes, no matter how I hide my feeling, but deep down inside I envy her.

but, well… get real. Trying to guess someone’s live is happier than us is not a good thing to do. I am only seeing her from what she seen in the pictures, but not her as real. We will never know her burden and her sorrow. And i should not consider life is a competition, because we have our own chosen lane. Do not get teased by someone who teared off their finish line first, because we have choose our very own path.

Huffff… well, my heart is so uncertain now. my mood had crash-over for these past days… and I don’t know what to do. After got the loop and reach my top of rollercoaster, now I’m back at the bottom.

I simply hate my current job, because my imagination of my future job in January is very strong… I have felt the euphoria too early. moreover, the politic get sucks here… I am wishing to pursue my postgrad as soon, so I can leave the dirty politic. I even think to comeback as an lecturer… well, there will always be politic everywhere, even in college. I don’t know.

My lovelife is getting worst… after several weeks being the flower and enjoying those bees…. I just have a bad fought with that selfish megalomaniac man. In the end, I realized that I’m alone, even though I’m trying not to be lonely. yes, if I stick with my option not to get committed to someone… I will always comin’ home alone. Seeing those cute pre-wed pictures at www.axioo.com had brings up my imagination. I should ignore and do my best not to get teased…. nonetheless, life has kept it’s best surprises…!

Now may I get a comfort sleep and working as hard as I can tomorrow! I got invoices to settled down early!

doomsday

do you believe in 2012 doomsday prophecy?

i used not to, but after watching that movie i began to surf the internet and after several research on Mayan prophecy, I started to think maybe it’s true…

but, whether the end is near or not, we can no nothing to change it… if it’s going to happen, so be it.

it will never change on the way i struggle for my dream.

it won’t make me panicking to get married soon, like what some indonesian people do.

but, yeah.. i should enhance my good deeds, before the end is really ended.

nonetheless, panicking is useless…. the keyword is humanity.

aiming for something

I am wondering… is it so difficult to aim for what you want.

Is people care us so deeply until they kept talking about you’re such being an ideal?

Is it that painful to take a good care of your dream?

Is it harming everyone else?

Okay, at this moment… I feel very grateful that i’m alone. it’s not i want to be alone forever, because i don’t. I just think that someday we had to choose between ourself or someone we loved. And now I know why western people loves to be in an open relationship, because they choose themself.

one of my friend said she envy me because i know what i want. and yes, i do. i had a life plan, and even though sometimes shit happens and my plan did not worked out… but i create another plan.

Having no plan in life is such a waste, i think. because life is too precious to be wasted. you can’t just follow where the money flow runs, because in the end you will realize that money is only a media…. it’s not the end objective. of course, you also have to enjoy all the surprises in life… such as indian lamb I ate yesterday =)

well, she just a small amount of people who understood how to want and chase something. while, the other thinks i’m crazy. but, i always said, “we’ll see who will laugh in the end.” they all may laugh on me, but in the end i will laugh on them!

i can’t understand how a person take a tight grip on someone and never let him/ her pursue her dream. like what my boss exactly do. she thinks she can give us enough happiness, so she can retain us. in fact, we all had our own agenda, and it doesn’t mean we’re not loyal. this is about career, dude…

I hate when people critics on the way I pursue my dream. I really do. They are so shallow, they cannot understand the richness of dream. They can only earn money and then wasting it. in the end, they will have nothing….

lonely

India Arie sung, “I feel so alone, but never lonely.. you just ot to find the joy inside yourself.”

it’s just so many couples and marriage seemed so trendy nowadays. but, i won’t get blurred with those comets, because i am aiming my own shooting stars.

just back from Bandung, paris van java of Indonesia (and hopefully someday be able to visit the real Paris ), because i do need vacations. lately, i hate my job. maybe it’s because my body was there, but my soul wasn’t. my mind keep flying away to my future job, a job that i have been waiting for 2 years and 8 months… and I just don’t want to wait even just a second.

i even able to sacrifice my bangkok trip.

and actually it’s been a thought, since I may had to leave my “dream job” for my other “dream”. I am aiming to get admitted in postgraduate degree in 2010, and i can’t wait any longer either. it is all because my timeline to get marketing career had been postphoned so many times,so it’s catching up my postgrad timeline.

God, i can’t decide which one is more important. All i know, God make everything beautiful just in time. So, i think rather than make myself dizzy with all time arrangements, i’ll let God decide which time suits best for me =)

not drunk, just a little warm =)

@eastern promise, Kemang… a place where i feel like i’m at overseas…

so many bule, foreigners, and the local chicks of course

I’m having chit-chat with my boss and 5 of my colleagues, plus 2 glasses of beer…. hahahaha, it turned my face and body to red…. hi ms. crabby!

@eastern promise, kemang- jakarta

christmas

christmas is coming and I do hope seeing some snows!

well, maybe not this year… but i promise myself to see some next year…!

Santa Claus is cominnnnggg to tooowwwnn…

waiting or enjoying

here I am, waiting for my temporary roommate -ririn, come home from her hometown, Bandung.

Nonetheless, today I just strolling with one of my bestfriend -Z (stands for Zabeth) and her boyfriend, Glenn. I think I have become a specialist in goin’ out with couples and somehow…. being their advisory.

yeah.. another story, my other friend’s boyfriend (which apparently has turned out as “Ex” boyfriend recently) just text me in YM, telling that my name has being put-up as a bumper to hide an affair. wow, it’s indeed shocking and i was kinda mad at that moment, because my friend never ask for my permission -to use my name on purpose. But, hell yeah… I think it’s useless, because now they are so offer.

He text me a loooong message and told me that he is so in love with her. i tried to cheer him up and I said he deserve a better woman. and in the end, i’m kinda tired being healer in other’s relationship.

it has being the fourth relationship from 3 different friends!

and yeah, plus the fact i hang out regularly with couples, Z and glenn. of course i often imagine that someday i will not go alone with them, but bringing my plus one. but, i think that imagination hasn’t block any of my preferences. yeah, tell me i’m stupid, but i still choosing that megalomaniac yet funny man, than a nice man who offered me safety. I think i’m not running on safety, not yet. yeah, i’m stupid, but that what my heart said… so be it.

yesterday i ran a date, with someone who has been eager to call a date with me since 3 months ago. I have put him off in the first month, because i was being so paranoid that he was sorta lookin’ for a future wife. marriage, is something i also wanted, but not now. i have so many dreams to chase before i get to that M thing.

yet, after one of my friend at office told me the ’shoe theory’, i just realized that i shouldn’t get seriously in relationship. I just had to playin’ around before i finally find who I really wanted.

skip things, he bought me something from hongkong and we meet yesterday. well, honestly he is really a nice and naive man. before, i believe that all man is gay nor bastard, but apparently there’s still a good man with no hidden agenda in this world. It just…. I haven’t got that tickles in my stomach, and I think i have turn the flame down because I said to him I don’t want a relationship before pursuing my master.

yeah, he’s debating my hypothesis, but in the end…. I said the right thing. I don’t want to have a long distance relationship. I want to enjoy my master fully, with the adventure inside it. I don’t wanna be rushy in completing my degree because somebody waiting for me in Indonesia.

well, if that so, u may think I will not have any relationship until next year? i don’t know. oh yeah, i still had a giant crush on that other man i’ve been talked about in the previous entries, even though so many times I said our gate had closed. but, he always had the power to cheer me up, to make my life more ‘alive’, and to bring me into some fantasy. that is why i called myself as stupid.

uh, well… now i’m in the leisure mode. i don’t push myself to have a boyfriend, because i’m not sure it would be best for me. first thing first!!

but i am not closing the door to play around, hang out, or even just to manage my loneliness with some accompaniment. i’m just an ordinary person. i think i will torture myself if i just close my heart until next year. i will be so desperately lonely!

well, anyway…. love is a mystery, so is life… so, just enjoy the surprises!

lovelife

i have several times telling myself that i’m a sucker in love.

yaps… i know what i want in any other part in my life, but i don’t know what i want in love.

but then i realized, who does know?

love is a mystery.

you will never know how, when, where you will fall in love.

this feeling is so strong and makes you rationalize all things.

it makes you abandon the obstacles.

do i love him?

do he loves me?

God….. please give me the answer.

dream

today, a bell was ringing in my head.

and those words come again into my mind… one sentence which will always inspires me, from Andrea Hirata: “bermimpilah, maka Tuhan akan memeluk mimpi-mimpimu.”

yes, today my boss has told me that my marketing director has agreed to accept me as one of her team. Gosh, do you have any idea how much i struggled for this? yep, i have passed those tears and blood to finally grab that fact. The dream which I may leave for less than one year, if I succeed to reach my second dream.

I only have 2 big dreams in my life (3 maybe, include married with the right person). and this is it….

Terima kasih Tuhan atas segala yang telah kau berikan padaku. semua kegembiraan, keceriaan, kegetiran, kesedihan, kesuksesan, kegagalan, kemenangan…. semuanya itu telah melengkapi hidupku dengan segala yang aku butuhkan. Walaupun aku bukan anakMu yang baik, tapi Engkau selalu mengasihiku dengan segenap hatiMu.

Semua yang aku raih sampai sekarang ini adalah berkat Engkau. sedikit sekali pekerjaanku dalam KaryaMu ini. Engkaulah yang membuat segalanya indah tepat pada waktunya.

Sekali lagi, terima kasih.

 

party blast…

owkayyyh… eventhough i did not win at tonight’s performance, but at least this time i’m a stage freak!

yeah, after all those years i was shaking and ashamed when entering any stage… i finally find myself as a stage freak. even though i did not win, but i am winning myself, and that’s what matter.

yeah… cool!

this is the pics, in case you wanna see

this one is kinda crispy....

smile with bold red!!