searching inside..

not in the trip mood lately, just searching inside…

You know what, I’m done with it. I tried to be happy alone, with my friends, or with my family, but I can’t lie to myself that i am not.

Friends are the best distractions, though we always talking about the same topic: guys.

Family, I love them and I knew they loved me back, but this dork feeling inside myself feel disturbed with my parent’s loving act. Yeah, I know it’s a bit odd, because I feel odd myself.

So, lately i’ve been thinking, maybe i have reach this dot. this stage of mine, where i can’t handle any of this loneliness inside, so that even seeing couples do nothing can makes me feel annoyed.

Oh, please, don’t tell me i’m a psycho.

My dad just ask me to have a family holiday next week, by the way it’s long weekend. oh by the way, it’s easter!! Gosh, how could I forget that???! uh well…. sorry, God.. I have been shitty all these times. I don’t even attend Ash Wednesday. Your kiddo is just……. lost.

I don’t know what to decide, i actually don’t want to go anywhere, but i don’t wanna be alone as well.

It just that…. lately when i’m having a trip, in bangkok or in bandung… i felt unhappy. my soul is searching someone who’s not there. moreover, a year ago, when i am deeply in crush with that man, i walk the road in bandung, just in front of famous boromeus hospital… straight aiming donatello shoes shop, i felt the wind breezing my body, and i had this thought….

“If i’m with him, this could be a Paris of mine.”

yap, it might sounds yuck or cheesy, but at that moment i choose to be with him even though it’s only in Jakarta (he’s not a trip boy type). No, i don’t have the crush with him recently, and yeah i already had new crush. He’s having a trip to Shanghai now *sighing*. and No, new crush doesn’t mean he had crush to me in return. Since he’s a shy guy, I need to make sure about that before making any conclusion.

anyway, I think I had to fix myself out. Open my heart to God again, and let HIM filled this emptiness. I just hoped that everything will be alright for me. This night blues will get better…. Amen.


4 thoughts on “searching inside..

  1. It looks like you do need someone to complete you though you’re not ready to commit. Don’t need to be ashamed to show the world that you need him in your life πŸ™‚
    Why don’t you make the first move as soon as he gets back again since he’s such a shy guy?
    Good luck then πŸ˜‰

    • Ahahaaa.. I already did (a little), but its hard when it’s an office peer.. I’m just affraid if the result was negative, it will affect our professional relationship 😦

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