not in the trip mood lately, just searching inside…
You know what, I’m done with it. I tried to be happy alone, with my friends, or with my family, but I can’t lie to myself that i am not.
Friends are the best distractions, though we always talking about the same topic: guys.
Family, I love them and I knew they loved me back, but this dork feeling inside myself feel disturbed with my parent’s loving act. Yeah, I know it’s a bit odd, because I feel odd myself.
So, lately i’ve been thinking, maybe i have reach this dot. this stage of mine, where i can’t handle any of this loneliness inside, so that even seeing couples do nothing can makes me feel annoyed.
Oh, please, don’t tell me i’m a psycho.
My dad just ask me to have a family holiday next week, by the way it’s long weekend. oh by the way, it’s easter!! Gosh, how could I forget that???! uh well…. sorry, God.. I have been shitty all these times. I don’t even attend Ash Wednesday. Your kiddo is just……. lost.
I don’t know what to decide, i actually don’t want to go anywhere, but i don’t wanna be alone as well.
It just that…. lately when i’m having a trip, in bangkok or in bandung… i felt unhappy. my soul is searching someone who’s not there. moreover, a year ago, when i am deeply in crush with that man, i walk the road in bandung, just in front of famous boromeus hospital… straight aiming donatello shoes shop, i felt the wind breezing my body, and i had this thought….
“If i’m with him, this could be a Paris of mine.”
yap, it might sounds yuck or cheesy, but at that moment i choose to be with him even though it’s only in Jakarta (he’s not a trip boy type). No, i don’t have the crush with him recently, and yeah i already had new crush. He’s having a trip to Shanghai now *sighing*. and No, new crush doesn’t mean he had crush to me in return. Since he’s a shy guy, I need to make sure about that before making any conclusion.
anyway, I think I had to fix myself out. Open my heart to God again, and let HIM filled this emptiness. I just hoped that everything will be alright for me. This night blues will get better…. Amen.