It is hard..

Here I am.. 10.10 PM France time, watching 4 Gossip Girls early episodes, and trying to distract my mind from thinking of our pause.

Yes, I had been lucky enough to get another decision from my Bf today, that he didn’t ended our relationship, yet pausing it.

I know he needs time, because he’s been very fragile and sensitive lately. Not to mention the way he treated me coldly, and he yelled at me once. Still, thinking of losing him is unbearable for me. Not because I couldn’t find someone new here, but because I know, he’s “the good man” for me. Guys are everywhere, especially in here.. where guys would like to date any girl, just for fun. I could’ve find a loyal and serious guy, but he must be pretty old. Moreover, I do love him.

We’ve been through so many rough patches along these years, and I was so shocked that his insecurity could made him said that such word. And I started to blame myself, that I was the one who encouraged him to think that he’s nothing to me. 

When I said that I am 99% happy here, I don’t know he was offended, because he thought that he’s only my 1%. I didn’t mean that!

When I said that I am happy here, doesn’t mean that I didn’t miss him BADLY.. I do think of him, everywhere.. in the classes, where I went to the bar with my friends.. when I went sleep.. every where.

And I never consider he’s lower than me.

I do thinking the possibility to stay for good in Europe, because I like the city and the people. But it wouldn’t be the same without him. I wish I don’t have to choose. But if I need to, I would’ve choose him.


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