ruang hampa di hatiku (dangdut mode on)

hhhmmmm…

i think i have to survive for several more times….

Bapa, sentuh hatiku, ubah hidupku : )

Yep, lagi dengerin lagu Maria Shandy dari ipod shuffle gw yang baru, hehehe.. biarpun kata Nina I’m crawling from realistic woman to metropolista… but, i just realized that changing is inevitable. at first, i push myself not to change, refuse the influence from environment around me. but, then i found myself too stressed-out, and i came up with idea that everybody’s changing, and actually to be able to change like everybody else is good. you just had to direct your change into positive way…

such as…

shopping won’t harm you, unless it caused you debt.

combine heart and logic, and hopefully it will direct you to the right way 🙂

that’s why, this month i have decided to save money in realistic way. i don’t want to owe anybody anymore. i want to save and live my life normally, being happy in a balanced portion.

and i was too glad when Nina K tonight said that i’m a metropolist.. because that means i have succeed to trick people’s eyes with the way i looks, hahahhaa…. mereka ngga tau aja kalo gw merki gilaaa! :p

anyway, honestly.. i am extremely tired with this fake relationship. i feel like riding a roller coaster. at first, it was fun… but as the people gettin’ tired to gossip around, i feel tired to fake around also…

today we meet some office pals in ranch market, and i was shockingly surprised when he immediately took my plastic bag filled with 1 litre of low fat milk. he always complaining when brings my stuffs… a not very much men a like.

people thought it was belong to him, but he answered it was belong to me. then people asked me, what’s for? i said, it’s for cappucinno… without thinking why he bother to bring my stuffs….

well….

i think people are tired to gossip around, so they no longer believe that we had something.

we don’t have something, but it’s just thrilling to let people think wildly as they wish about us.

but i think we all tired guessing and faking….

God…

quiz -the real me?

i took quiz in facebook,  “which one are you from girly movie”, and stunningly amazed with the result:

Rebecca Bloomwood from Confessions of a Shopaholic (Isla Fisher) You sparkle and shine. You are easily distracted at times, but it has seriously made you who you are today. People love your perseverance and it you challenge that perseverance energy well, you will go very very far and impress a lot of people. Finding dates and fun friends to hang out with is usually never a problem, as at times you can be a beautiful social butterfly. You know what matters in life, even though at times other may underestimate your motives, you know to always make it right. You will always have those close to you and that one true great friend to guide you along your wispy journey.

just an ordinary event

today rain makes us stuck in his room and filled it with chatting around about families and movies.

but, i kept convinced myself not to let the bloom springs in my deepest heart.

because he owned his own mystery and only God knows why he could be that “ordinary” with girls.

Gosh, I keep waiting the day I can live a normal life.. where all the happiness were true.

Currently I am having a fade and such fake happiness.

I smiled a lot, but I’m not sure until when it could last.

why did I suck holiday?

when I was in college, i sucked holiday.

why? because holiday made me faraway from my campus friends (since only they i’ve got). because holiday equal to money spending, in which I had to earn it by myself and spent it wisely. because holiday means much idle times, and normal human like me will use it for eating, which will makes me fat.

yes, I know, I sound crazy.

umm, but… sometimes I do act normally. sometimes I adore holiday. when was it?

humm, when I hate my thesis a lot, and I decide to go to Dufan and let the stresses went away.

or when I dated my ex, and holiday means he will go to bandung, met me. or vice versa, I will have a reason to go to Jakarta, to meet him.

Okay, how about now?

when I started to work, going to Bandung has always been my perfect escape. istilahnya “menggembel”, because I missed my campus life a lot. I even take my annual leave to do that escapes.

but, day by day, i started to hate holidays like before.

why? because I missed the moments when I went to office, to meet my friends, because that’s my world now. yeah, get a life! I am currently workin’ on it. hopefully i can runaway from this sickness! whoaaaaa, hahahahahaha……

second reason, is because I am tired to be a plastic woman, traveled by car anywhere, anytime… Gosh, I love my daddy, but I am tired with this extremely tiring holiday. I wanna go overseas!

third reason, is because I don’t like traveling with couples, it’s my sister and her husband. traveled with newly weds wasn’t that convenience, trust me.

anyway, I do love OVERSEAS holiday! backpacking around the world is my greatest pleasure. so, I’m normal. I just having abnormal traveling a lot, that’s all.

to work, not just think

yeah, enough people calling me crazy….

but i am not.

i am just a dreamer.

a dreamer who will make her dream come true.

i have the ability, i just need to execute it better.

well, I said I am preparing for the master.

but am I?

i should’ve make agenda and timeline for the scholarships i want to apply, but here i am… sad and thinking about boy toy.

well, i am only human.

but, if i want people too see how i achieve my dream, i have to defeat this feeling. I really have to.

because this is the right time to prepare everything…. you know love will make u busy right ;D

so, while you’re not, please workin’ on it…

love will comes! and try to ignore that scumbag… it’s all so useless… he will use you until you dried.

the way the world goes round

Until noon, i nearly assumed that today is so splendid.

I told my boss that I decided not to resign. she hugged me.

And even though I have no longer spark with him, but been able to see each other in the eyes was brighting my day.

until, the moment when we’ll go to gym, he picked up his cell phone.

then, i heard the words “kamu” and “aku” fly away from his mouth softly.

jab.

no, i didn’t like him.

no, i didn’t make any plan to be with him.

no, i think he’s not that smart, wise, and ideal.

but why i still feel jabbed?

suddenly i sucked into a black hole.

my heart changed into black…. and empty.

why?

because my heart is truly empty, so when disturbia comes, it will affected immediately.

that’s why, i finally decide to fill my emptiness, as soon.

if it’s God’s will, then be it 🙂

well…..

i think when i decide it, i just become incredibly smart.

so, anything happened in the future.. I will not blame others, nor myself.

because it’s just something i gotta decide, for my own goodness.

I’m not God, I can’t predict what will happening 1, 2, 5 months later, but I am sure God will lead my way.

I am sorry God, if you are the One who had give me the second choice, but I decide it with your blessing.

If you disagree, I’m sure you will let me know tonight.

but, why did I am so sure that you blessed me already?

I just had some guts in my heart, that everything happens for a reason.

and I got reasons, and I got something now…

hahaahahahahahha……..

ya Tuhaaaann, makasih yaaaa 🙂

sekarang aku cuma takut kalau Tuhan marah, karena aku nggak bukain pintuNya….

Tapi, aku yakin kok, Tuhan punya maksud yang lebih luas daripada yang aku asumsikan dengan pikiran telanjang….

Yes, my friends….

I had decided to stay.

To stay in my current company, which already gave me tears, happiness, career, something to live….

my charles & keith bag, vincci shoes, laptop… hahaahaaaha… oooopssss….

nope, because I still had that glimpse of hope.

not a hope from my boss.

but, a hope to God, that if i’d be a little patient, I will reach something even bigger….

Why can I’d be this sure?

because I am willing to work even harder now… for a greater good.

dream large, act even larger…

i wanna sleep, but my heart beating so fast….

i tried to get sane, because all the beats are useless…

it won’t help for tomorrow, because tomorrow is depends on my boss’ mood and willingness, not mine.

so, whatever things that I do, it doesn’t matter.

all I can do, is just reading my past entries, so that I can realize, how to dream and how to finally achieve it.

so that I can diminished all this doubtness… doubtness of comfort.

I am only human.

I plugged when I see cozy couch, even though the entrance bell has calling me…

human loves comfortness.

but, I have to fight this. all of this fear, this emerge, again…. this beats….

this is what I want.

it might not be perfect.

it’s not multinational.

it’s not Unilever.

it’s not assistant brand manager.

it is not placed in a luxurious building.

but, at least it’s in Kuningan, so near with my dorm.

at least it wanted me so bad, until they try to meet up my salary, and I can feel appreciated.

at least it’s branding marketing, not marketing planning or marketing insight.

at least the position is product executive, and not customer service coordinator.

there’s no such as perfect things, same as when you’re choosing spouse.

at the beginning, it may feel ackward, but it will get better.

you will not find comfortness in your first day at work… but it’s a process.

when you’re excited, when you put a friendly face… you may find something even better than before.

maybe you even may find a leather couch, better than the old couch.

you just haven’t see it yet, because you are too focusing on the old one.

He said that i am too ambitious compares to the other, so why can’t I? we had different dreams, different vision in life..

If you doubt me, you will see how far I will run….

I don’t have nothing besides my faith.

a faith that I can make it happens.. and it happening now..

this is only a half-way to go. do not hesitate now, because I will see so many obstacles ahead…

this is just a baby step in my life..

moments before taking-off….

pernah ngga sih loe ngerasa deg2 an pas mau take-off pesawat? seakan2 loe pengen buka seat belt loe dan lari turun dari pesawat?

itu yang gw rasain pas pertama kali naik pesawat, tepatnya naik Sriwijaya Air ke Bengkulu….

well, itu juga yang gw rasain sekarang. setelah hampir 2 tahun di company gw, sekarang i am about taking-off. dan jujur aja, i am deeply terrified.

ada sebagian diri gw yang menarik, menyedot gw untuk tinggal disini. di tempat yang nyaman. dengan orang2 yang udah gw kenal. tempat dimana gw bisa teriak2, nyanyi, bergila2.

tapi lalu sebagian diri gw sadar, ada satu hal yang gw lupakan. apa kabar mimpi gw?
masak gw biarkan mimpi gw terhempas, terlumat, merata dengan tanah?
Gw akan sangat menyesal kalau gw menukar mimpi gw dengan kenyamanan.

are you agree with me?