a big smile near the day :)

I’m able to save this relationship, yay, thank U God!


Tonight I asked him, what’ll happened if I decided to wait after a week pause and didn’t come?

He said, maybe the worst will happened. Thank God you came.


Yes, I think I have made the right decision, which has been blessed by God as well. Yes, I know I have been sacrifices so many thing, but after his statement, I think it is worth the price.

Yes, in life we need to make difficult decision. There’s no right and wrong, but once we decided, we need to make the best of it.

The end of the this long threads. I surely won’t forget these moments. A love worth to fight for.

still remember..

This is what i’ve been wanting for.. a lifetime chance..

when i checked my yahoo!mail and found lots of threads about scholarships, one of them is about US education fair.. suddenly my mind traveled to the past. I remember when I visited European education fair at Balai Kartini 2 years ago, and my body was breezed (merinding), and I called my BF.. I said to him “this is what I wanted.. this is what I want..”

And now, that breezed comes again.

Hence, being there for real is not really that “exceptional” (borrowing the terms I got from my Eiffel scholars fellow).. it feels, I finally make it comes true.. but it’s not everything in this whole world. I guess it’s enough to feel 6 months of it.. and I will return to my lover.

I will pray.. pray for the best for me and him.. let God shows us the best way. Maybe something will happened without being expected.. who knows?

God has the power to do it 🙂

Thank U God..

day 4

day 4 here..

still can’t sleep at night.. indeed i slept like a baby around 4-5 AM in the morning and wake up at 12 PM. Then I’ll continue my sleep at 4-6 PM. I don’t know why, it’s a mystery.

And I’m so happy because my lecture at Monday was cancelled! I just checked today, and I also asked my class-mate, Xiao. She confirmed. I’m so happy! I think this is a sign from God 🙂

Thank You God for all the blessings, for all the life lesson. 

I surely will remember this one, unforgettable moment in my whole life. Learn hard.

No more plan

Life is unexpected.. the best way is to enjoy it

I’m trying to make a plan for my life, but that’s only leaving me with lots of pain..

Since today, I have decided not to make any plan for my life and surrender to God’s beautiful plan for me.

All of these things makes me dizzy, incluse my future internship. I don’t want to think about it anymore.. I don’t want to think about all the possibilities.

I will pray Novena since today until the time is right for me. I will do that, to ease my awful feeling and to get connected with God. He’s always being my saviour.. and for this one, I also count on Him.


everytime i woke up in the noon (yeah, not in the morning).. I am asking to myself? 

Is it the right place for me?

I don’t have anything to do.. so I don’t know whether I should be here anyway..

C’mon stephy.. few more days and you’ll missed everything about this..

almost morning..

love him so much…

I couldn’t sleep.

I don’t know is it because my biological hour was mixed up or what.

Today I have slept for 10 hours (from 2 AM to 12 PM) and 2 hours (4 to 6 PM), maybe that’s the reason why I couldn’t sleep. I hope so.

Or this guilty feeling attacked me again.. But thinking of it is useless.. it won’t bring any good to me. What have been done is being done.. no need to over think about it anymore, just enjoy because now I have gotten my BF’s ‘forgiveness’. He will try, he said. He will try to pass this 11 weeks and be strong until the time is right for us to get together, and this time it’ll be forever.


i don’t know what am i doing right or wrong.. yesterday it feels so right.. but today when i feel all the restless fatigue.. i feel stupid, crazy, and pointless!
of course he would be happy to see me, but my effort is too much!
suddenly i remember meteor garden quote: “the more you sacrifice for a person, the more you’ll get hurt”.
but I’m adult, I know the consequences I need to go through.. I already made decision, and i will make the best of it.

It is hard..

Here I am.. 10.10 PM France time, watching 4 Gossip Girls early episodes, and trying to distract my mind from thinking of our pause.

Yes, I had been lucky enough to get another decision from my Bf today, that he didn’t ended our relationship, yet pausing it.

I know he needs time, because he’s been very fragile and sensitive lately. Not to mention the way he treated me coldly, and he yelled at me once. Still, thinking of losing him is unbearable for me. Not because I couldn’t find someone new here, but because I know, he’s “the good man” for me. Guys are everywhere, especially in here.. where guys would like to date any girl, just for fun. I could’ve find a loyal and serious guy, but he must be pretty old. Moreover, I do love him.

We’ve been through so many rough patches along these years, and I was so shocked that his insecurity could made him said that such word. And I started to blame myself, that I was the one who encouraged him to think that he’s nothing to me. 

When I said that I am 99% happy here, I don’t know he was offended, because he thought that he’s only my 1%. I didn’t mean that!

When I said that I am happy here, doesn’t mean that I didn’t miss him BADLY.. I do think of him, everywhere.. in the classes, where I went to the bar with my friends.. when I went sleep.. every where.

And I never consider he’s lower than me.

I do thinking the possibility to stay for good in Europe, because I like the city and the people. But it wouldn’t be the same without him. I wish I don’t have to choose. But if I need to, I would’ve choose him.

love is so complicated :(

This is the first time i feel VERY devastated!


Few hours ago, he just said he wanna break up with me.


I can’t stop crying and realize how much i love him already!

This LDR somehow brings a lot of polemic within his feeling.. I don’t know why..

But I really don’t want this relationship ended.

God, please help me.. 😦

LDR between continents… ouch!

trying to hang-on…

I never knew that it’ll be this hard..

I meant not for me.. oh, well, I did imagined things I can do with my BF while I was having drinks with some friends at the bar tonight. But, I can distract my mind, since I have lot new places to discover.

But, noticing him playing online games.. just ripped my heart. Now I know, he really doesn’t know what to do in the weekend.. because I’m not there.. to be his weekend-mate.

I guess I just need to work things out, like immediately. I want to ease a bit of his burden.. I really want us to be happy. I didn’t know it would be this hard.

God, please help us.

I know I’m the one who asked You to grant my dream to France. If now I”m hoping him to be in here as well, am I too selfish?

Hopefully you will give a miracle to us.. so I don’t need to abandon my study.. and we can be together.. Thank U God.. I know I’m a very demanding girl 😦