first love :(

OH NO, just found my first love pic in facebook and i know i still had a blast for him 😦

first love never die.

and believe me, nothing worst than one-sided love.

i will remember that when i have kids in the future.

initially i want to upload his pic (already cropped it for this purpose!), but i don’t want to make any impulsive action. internet could be very dangerous though….

is it a date?

okay, i may haven’t told you yet about this new guy. he work in R&D department, we’re in the same company though. I met him once 9 months ago in a training, and he said my face is older than my age! huh…

then after i moved to marketing, i work with him in developing a wafer brand. Since he’s a R&D, he did a trial for “my baby”, and my boss asked me to go to cikarang to see how it goes. well, he’s a cold man, but i tried to act properly because i will work with him for a certain of time.

short stories, several days after we met, he start to add my office communicator, chatted me constantly everyday, adding my facebook, then adding my YM. it happened in 1 week after we met, about early february. i replied most of his text, and day by day goes by… i told Ririn -my roommate that moment, if he asked me for a date, i might say yes. well, i haven’t had any crush for him, but he’s not that bad. yeah i do like skinny and tall man, while he’s chubby and a li’l bit shorties… but his face is okay 🙂

overall, i don’t wanna judge before i knew a man. i had give a chance to a man who always looking after me at office -it’s from the past, long stories… but he can’t make butterflies in my stomach, so i sadly had to say no. so, we’ll see for this one 🙂

umh, after 7 weeks goin’, he never asked me for a date. of course i felt sick and tired of it. yesterday we met at a consumer immersion training, and he just say a bit word. hmmm, i know he’s a shy guy, but c’mon… i’m a shy girl too!! what should i do? if he don’t want to push himself to be a wordy, why should i? i haven’t had any crush for him yet, so i saved the effort to other guy (the man i’m into recently, but he’s harder than this one. he had poker face. well -no, he just too nice to everybody).

so, tadaaaa… in the middle of my desperateness… yesterday i bought 2 of my favorite serial movies -desperate housewives and ugly betty, and i watched it all until 4 am! i woke up at 1 pm (crazzzyyy!!!) and taking a lazy saturday at my new lodging room. uh well… i am very lazy, yet don’t wanna spend all day at my lodging room, cause it means i will be very lonely and no talking all day 😦

then i started to press the button in my brain to memorize how many friends i have left. Gosh, i am lacking of friend lately. yasmin is at office, siska had appointment with her guys at 8 pm, nina has a husband, ryry just landed from central java, jenni: we planned to meet in sunday, yanti also has a husband, as well as citra and ayu. you’ve seen what i’m goin’ through??? everyone is married!!

uh yeah, i do feel this marriage blues… when everyone having their own lives, and i feel being left behind. but, nooooo… i gotta stick to my postgrad plan!!! arrrgghhhh!!! i gotta stay sane… this porky chop love needy thing has taken out my brain space to even fill the scholarship form!!

oh please…

back to topic, today i felt miserable!! goin’ to grand indonesia meeting ririn’s friends in which i don’t know ’em well actualllyyyyy… then stuck into 2 couples and 2 single girls. they want to watch dearjohn, but i don’t. then i said goodbye, walk to forever21 store -been curious about “a store selling ITC stuffs with high prices”, natashia told me once, and indeed the stuffs is just like Orange, ITC wanna be. only with crazy prices. then i eat -used to be my favorite yoghurt in the past, alone. yessss, alone!!! i never felt more miserable than thaaaattt!!

hmpphh, anyway i used to do stuffs alone in college. why did it feel odd now, but feel normal in the past?? i don’t know, because we all changed??? or because i’m 24 now, and i feel miserable if i’m 24 and still doing all things alone?? it’s not a problem when i’m 20, because no one will judge you. oh no, because you won’t feel that much annoyed seeing couples, while you .. alone ..

anyway, i should get my alone spirit, because i’m going to study in America!! which means, i will doing some stuffs alone before i found new gals or guys 🙂

huaaa… it’s out of topic! i felt so miserable today, then suddenly when i got back home and my ugly betty download was done, yiiipppeeeyy!! … moreover.. i saw him buzzing on me again. then we chatted again -while i try to watch my ugly betty in black and white scene, ohhhh… so 1970s. and it goes blah blah blah, i told him i really want to watch hurtlocker…. and yeah, that’s “pancingan” (i don’t know how we say it in english, hints?). usually it doesn’t work on him, but now it worked!!!!

“do you want me to accompany you to watch the movie?”


“do you want me to accompany you for lunch also?”

Oh my God, that words… why don’t he just say it. “let’s go grab lunch and watching movies!”

i’ve been waited for ages, Goshhhh!!

so, well… i kinda nervous for tomorrow, what clothes i should wear, what should i do, etc etc… but i know he’s nervous too, so if there’s 2 nervous people went on a date, what would happened???? i can’t be nervous, i should be myself… um, maybe a little bit hiding my uncle scrooge thing :p

huaaaahh… it’s always been torturing went on a date with new guy… adjustment and adjustment. but this is how it goes to get the best one =)

nite all. i still hoping on that new crush actually, but since he’s away this weekend, so i can’t close the opportunity 🙂

hope tomorrow would be a blast!


that’s the name of our new coruptor suspect recently. just feel wanna puke when seeing his picture, and i cannot imagine how he and his family could live such a life, on the top of other’s people misery.

just wanna say to everyone who took anything which doesn’t belongs to him/ her, you’ll pay off whichever you takes from society. you will surely do, sooner or later.

I don’t want to make my mind dirty with thinking those such people, let them live whatever option they may choose, each person will bear their own sin. just ask ourself, did we do it in smaller case.

oh yeah, we all do it. thanksfully the sin was weighing in a proper way.. he won’t be able to runaway from that such weight.

searching inside..

not in the trip mood lately, just searching inside…

You know what, I’m done with it. I tried to be happy alone, with my friends, or with my family, but I can’t lie to myself that i am not.

Friends are the best distractions, though we always talking about the same topic: guys.

Family, I love them and I knew they loved me back, but this dork feeling inside myself feel disturbed with my parent’s loving act. Yeah, I know it’s a bit odd, because I feel odd myself.

So, lately i’ve been thinking, maybe i have reach this dot. this stage of mine, where i can’t handle any of this loneliness inside, so that even seeing couples do nothing can makes me feel annoyed.

Oh, please, don’t tell me i’m a psycho.

My dad just ask me to have a family holiday next week, by the way it’s long weekend. oh by the way, it’s easter!! Gosh, how could I forget that???! uh well…. sorry, God.. I have been shitty all these times. I don’t even attend Ash Wednesday. Your kiddo is just……. lost.

I don’t know what to decide, i actually don’t want to go anywhere, but i don’t wanna be alone as well.

It just that…. lately when i’m having a trip, in bangkok or in bandung… i felt unhappy. my soul is searching someone who’s not there. moreover, a year ago, when i am deeply in crush with that man, i walk the road in bandung, just in front of famous boromeus hospital… straight aiming donatello shoes shop, i felt the wind breezing my body, and i had this thought….

“If i’m with him, this could be a Paris of mine.”

yap, it might sounds yuck or cheesy, but at that moment i choose to be with him even though it’s only in Jakarta (he’s not a trip boy type). No, i don’t have the crush with him recently, and yeah i already had new crush. He’s having a trip to Shanghai now *sighing*. and No, new crush doesn’t mean he had crush to me in return. Since he’s a shy guy, I need to make sure about that before making any conclusion.

anyway, I think I had to fix myself out. Open my heart to God again, and let HIM filled this emptiness. I just hoped that everything will be alright for me. This night blues will get better…. Amen.

don’t forget to be……. grateful

grateful. grateful. grateful.

I always feel that way when seeing my friend who has less fortunate job than i am. they may got less salaries than me, or even screaming to move from their company. Or when having consumer immersion and sitting in a carpet within small house, where there’s only 1 bedroom in the house. Grateful. That is the key to happiness.

no matter how you have more, you will always feel less…… if you stop being grateful.

If you forget to say thanks to God, God may taken away His blesses for you. Yes, no matter how demanding my boss is, no matter how abundant my job is…. but if I want to stop and take a look by helicopter view, I actually luckier than most of people i knew.

Oh yes, there’s certain people who “seemed” having it all: looks, money, career, perfect family. But, if we always look above us, we will always be grumpy………. and forget to smile, being happy, enjoying each moment of our sweet and bitter of life 🙂

so, everyday…. take a moment to be grateful!

no matter how shit happens to you, always be grateful, because things may get worse actually, but it doesn’t……… 😀


just spend dinner with him, but today with no feeling.

i guess it’s because now my heart has shifted to my new crush who will go to Shanghai this weekend… hahaha, yeah.. rich guy!

i don’t know……

i don’t wanna be in a serious relationship, because it will drain my energy off, but do I have options here? being in a not serious relationship in Indonesia is most likely being playing around by guys or playing guys around. it’s hard to have one guy who’s willing to serve you the fun…. hahahaha….

anyway, just had a consumer training, and the trainer was so good, his name is Yuri. now I know why so many foreigners being flown away everyday, i just hope that there also many Indonesian also who flew around the globe, brights other people’s mind, i just don’t know yet :p

Yeah, 40% of it’s citizen in India has high IQ, why not Indonesia?

now I want to search for a video named “did you know” in youtube, because i watched it once in the training, and it was shockingly awesome!

some thoughts at nite

Now 1:20 am, and some things tickled my heart, feel guilty if I sleep without writing it down.. First, I felt guilty to my parents. They had being so nice ever since my sister moved to Japan, and I had being such a slut. I don’t know, maybe because my anger regarding the boyfriend thing, and the fact that they’re showing their spouse-ness thing now and it reminds me that I don’t have a boyfriend.. Yes, I’m a woman in anger now. I did lots of self-destructive thing, and I had hurted people who loves me the most.. Huhuhuhhu.. I made a promise to myself, that no matter how suck my mood is, I will try to speak politely to my parents. Even though It’s hard to reject all my mom’s demands. But, I’ll try, bless me God. Second, I was wondering, can I dealt with ♡ and postgrad in the same time? Because currently I have a crush to a man in office, and everybody said he’s an eligible bachelor ever.. Though the fact I don’t wanna married yet, I just hope that no matter what happened, either we can be mates or not, I can still manage both. Because ♡ and dream are the most important thinbg in my life..

starting over

just watched ugly betty, about betty who’s starting over her life when her boyfriend decide to volunteer in a social program in Africa.

she did make a lot of silly accident, hahahha… include making her whole apartment building get robbed. it’s so funny!

Anyway, I again re-think to starting over my life after my roommates went away. anyway, for those who curious who’s my roommate, she’s my college friend -one of my very bestfriend, and she went to Bali again after being my roommate for approx. 4 months. actually she’s thinking to comeback again to Jakarta, but we’ll never know when, and i shouldn’t lean my life on other people.

her's & zabeth's farewell party at dragon fly, jakarta

after all, i realized when she’s there either, she’s just my distraction of something i really need in my age, love. so, i need to make a solution, not distraction.

well, uh…. this is what we call distraction, something i should do to make myself happy 🙂

1. watching glee and another serial movie (except how i met your mother, i don’t like it)

2. go to gym… make your self in shape could make a world as a better place :p

3. oh yeaahh.. this is not distraction, this is something i should do in a hurry! post-grad application, huaaaa….!

hmm, according to my ex-boss, this is the solution for your emptiness:

1. write your dream guy criteria in a paper

2. open your self widely to any matchmaking, knowing new people, and start contacting old people… ask them whether they have someone to introduce to you… (well, i know that sounds very desperate, but she’s now marrying one!! and it’s the super rich one…. don’t care, hahahaha…)

3. making a promise to yourself that in 3 months you’ll get a boyfriend (the point is: focus)

hmmm, i guess i’m just lacking of focus nowadays… i tend to use my glommy moody heart rather than my healthy mind. i should start using my mind, so i can make my life easier!!

quarter life crisis

yeah, i think it got me.

my friend sent me this email in last december:

” It is when you stop going along with the crowd
and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you
didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder
where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you
barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch
with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is
that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean
or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job…and it is not even close to what you thought
you would be doing, or maybe you start looking for a job (in my case, sok-sok liat-liat ke bidang-bidang lain… trus mau sekolah lagi di bidang itu…) and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize
that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly
adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and
cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared
and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on
to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting
further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet
anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure
out why you are doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad
One-nightstands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk
with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to
make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself… (dan kebingungan sendiri ‘KAPAN KAWIN?’ ngefet) and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as
we can to figure this whole thing out.

today’s vaganza

just havin’ great times at bogor, my hometown.

shopping at bogor trade mall, spending approx 200 thousands IDR for 4 pieces of clothes. then stocking for several stuffs for my new room-rent: broomstick, plastic tray for my CDs, and a claris box for my face cream, so i can put in my new room-rent fridge 😀

my parents picked me up, and we’re having pork lomie… i have asked my mother to pose well to be posted in facebook and this blog:

at jalan suryakencana, bogor